I stayed up way longer than I should have. Every single night. Even though I swore in the morning that tonight, I’d go to bed early because my bones felt like led and exhaustion made being alive hurt. I wasn’t a night owl or early bird, I was an permanently exhausted pigeon.
But because every time when 11 pm arrived creativity detonated. And like a siren song the ideas were impossible to resist.
The world slept and I was needed by no one. I lied to myself and said
” Just 5 minutes and then I’ll go to bed” But ofc my soul sighed and relax in relief and time faded.
I try to be gentle with myself. Neurodivergent brains more often than not have a delayed circadian rhythm, not sure but think it’s because our wonky chemicals are not getting where they need to go in our system. The chronically dysregulated nervous system that makes Life feel like the world is constantly about to end.
What was even stronger was my people pleasing tendencies.
My days used to belong to what I thought others wanted me to do. So it felt like at least the nights belonged to me. They were my domain. They were my safe space.
I have slowly been healing this part and drawing that feeling of safe space into the part of my life that happens when the sun is still up.
It definitely has its perks. For so many reasons. But it’s quite cool to see the unexpected parts that’s coming out of it. Like this mixed media graphic. Healing and having a more reulated nervous system helps me feel brave. And able to sit with discomfort.
I started this daily doodle and writing quest a few days ago wanting to have a daily habit of creating and evolving both skills. And at first I had an expectation of what it was that I was supposed to draw and write.
But tonight I was able to step out of that expectation. I was able to let go.
This is what learning to love yourself looks like. Current Me collaborating with Past Me (from 2 years ago). I took these photos after washing of the make up I had on for a cosplay. I had a vision of what could be. But I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at these let alone do something with them. Until now.
Now I’m ready to perceive myself in this iteration of expression. *happy wiggle celebrating win*
I named this one “Am I BRokeN?”
Let me know in the comments, what feelings does this piece bring up for you and have you collaborated with your Past Self in some way?
Until next time, Sparkle On!